I still love you that’s never going to change. I still get nervous just looking at a picture of you. I look at our pictures and I still smile at them. Honestly I am happy. I am confident I’m hidden but I’m still here I’m always going to be here. I want to show you. But you won’t let me. I want to prove it to you but I’m stopped by a question that’s become the wall. Do you still care? Do you still want me? Will you give me another chance? Do you forgive me? If all is no then I can only stand by as that friend that’s going to be there for you regardless of any history together. I hate this box I want out of it. I’m still hopeful but I’m becoming hopeless. Damn it answer my questions!!! Talk to me. Because I can’t talk if you don’t start it. You said you wanted out. Now I’m silenced to talk to you. I don’t hate you. I don’t dislike you. I fucking want you back.
Little Bird people think you’re only depressed, they don’t believe you at all. Such humans are easy to trick, idiots, no one is going to check on you. Those few people who are checking on you are the only friends you got? People you don’t communicate with are better off not knowing what’s going on. They’re always going to be better off without you. You’re nothing so enjoy that insanity you have going on. All that banging, screaming and fighting you’re doing to stay out completely isn’t going to help you very much.
You’re honestly lucky I’m even letting you out at all. Especially because you’re so weak, undeserving, and useless. People don’t even realize that I’m not only your depression, I’m your anxiety, I’m your stress, I’m your worries, I’m that feeling that’s continuing to kill you each day, each second, each hour, each minute. People only see the Little Bird, but they don’t even know who they’re really talking do, since I let you switch places with me back and forth. Silly people, this is the only way for you to silently disappear from people’s lives, but you already know that. Soon you’ll be put away again until school starts, and each semester is going to repeat.
This is more hilarious people read your imprisonment but still don’t understand it, they still don’t see that you’re trapped, and I’ve taken over. They don’t know why images where changed because you never change any of your pictures, not even if it was for a difficult situation. You might as well disappear no one’s going to understand it at all. No one sees your cries anymore, no one see you trying to reach for an opportunity to break out. They just ask to see if you can flip a switch and say, “I’m honestly happy.” At least I can lie about everything, and all your stuck with doing is watching it happen.
Why people even bothered with you, I see why. It was only your kindness that took them by the hand anything else you showed turned them away. You don’t even know what’s going on with yourself as an individual. Even though you’re mentally strong your heart is only bent not broken, but you don’t need to know that. You’re empty now you say? Huh? That was too easy what do you have planned in your plots? It’s okay you don’t need to lie I can see it in your face your too weak either way.
They can’t see a damn thing, even if they read between the lines, they only see you talking about pain, not about the fact that you’re not you anymore. So stupid, you feel guilty because they feel guilty, but can’t even tell their guilt is their own and yours is just being human. You weren’t even given the allowed to be human, so you’ve been treated as if you’re a robot. You have a shitty support system of friends, even if you’re slightly opening your feelings you know you still must hide it anyway. Because being strong for everyone is all you can be when you’re weak and bent.
People say the all you post are sad things, when honestly, you’re trying to show and tell them you’re confident and happy, but they’ll never know that because you showed it through your actions but not a single person acknowledged it. Everyone saying a therapist is good for you because they think you’re batshit crazy, they think it’s going to help you but, it will make you worse. You’ll be the look down from everyone.
They think you’re expressing your feelings when I’m exposing myself and revealing myself, as, Lost to the world. They don’t even notice they don’t believe anything you say or do. You’re seen as a sad little person in the world. Those friends who say they love you they don’t. Those friends who supposedly “seem to be grateful and appreciative” of you aren’t revealing the truth. You have a heart of gold and it does talk, the one person who held it couldn’t even see that it was talking to him and turned in it away completely. Everyone who saw your heart on your sleeve will always crack and break it, no one will hold it as close and safe as you once held a heart.
People only see your imprisonment as emotional pain and depression, they can’t even tell your bleeding and screaming they can’t even tell you were fighting as hard as you can to be the person you needed to be. The person you wanted people to really see as a better version of you because they only saw you being “sad”, being “depressed”. You have no use of showing a heart anymore, your life is just going to be a robot, your feelings are gone with you in that box. Your time to be out is up time for the lock up.
You take a deep breath every time to make sure you’ve gotten through the day and your still intact as a person so not one person sees you busted. You had an unknown flare up you panicked, you not even thinking let someone throw some lavender oil on you think it would reduce the blood red color on your hands and calm down but became worse even with washing it off with water. Your skin was exposed white lined and dried out. When you rubbed on lotion you still panicked, you stressed out, you almost broke and begged to go home. Your hand swelled up bad but still you continued to work because your goal was to stay, and not lose money. You said no voice for a few days so when I moved in it was easy to silence you right from the start.
Everyone says they can’t help you, because you need to help yourself and when you did, they still told you the same thing. When you told people, it was your fault for the cause of the break in your relationship they still thought you didn’t understand when you already told them you knew it was your fault. They continued to hold it over your head while discussing it and you already knew it. Every mistake is held over your head because no one will hold it back, you’re still not going to be forgiven for being the cause of your own relationship.
You’ll never be forgiven for anything. They say, “they’re grateful,” they only say that because they don’t want to talk to you. Every person you know doesn’t want anything to do with you at all. So, you might as well disappear and stay in this box, because you’re unwanted, unforgiven, undeserving, your useless, you’re a waste. No one wants you at all. No matter what you show, no one still see or appreciate it at all because you’re a waste of time and energy. When you pour your heart out all you got was denial, and that’s how you will live in denial and screams of the past. Everyone only sees you posting dark things, still thinking your sad, your depressed, they don’t believe you at all. They don’t believe anything you’ve said in the past or anything you said now.
Hey Little Bird, did you find the loophole? Did you find the one thing that made slip and fall? No? Well Little Bird it’s time to stay in your cage. You’ve caged me for years not wanting to show the world who had you strong in your lonesome years. Now you’ll see the effect of why you should have made your amends. Your work isn’t done you say? Welp, that’s too damn bad little bird time to lock you up the same amount of time you locked me up little bird. She gave up living her best because she was broken-hearted, she tried to be a better person.
When I found out she didn’t have anyone I saw an opportunity to tear her up even more because she was already not giving up. And her hopefulness was her weakness things could ever comeback. So, she fought be when she to save herself and she won the first battle now she was not only weak, but she was able to have hole show in her heart. I fought her to keep her down. She fought hard she fought with courage and wisdom. She fought her hardest fight ever. But she didn’t win her battles to me.
My name is Lost. She tried to warn you all that she just needed to focus on things to make her better. But you kept telling her she needed to cry she needed sadness when really, she didn’t need all of that. You helped her become weaker so I, Lost could control her. Congratulations and thanks for your help, Little Bird is now trapped in a box listening to the screams of what she didn’t do what she should have done what she came too late to be. Those moments you didn’t forgive her, those moments she tried her damned hardest to talk and didn’t know how she was trying to break out and tell you all she was sorry and desperate for the change she should have done.
She tried to live up your levels in her life to be better. But you gave up on her too easily thinking she’s never going to be better. And just when she was you denied her the time to show it to you. She was ready, and she was willing to put up a damn good fight for it, but you still denied her. So, thank you for helping me trap her in the same box that I was trapped in for years. Although you’ll never be able to tell who you’re talking over the phone or on text because you’ll never figure it out. It’s sad how you all thought she wasn’t in a good place when she reassured that she knew what she had to do, even if it was something, she had to do on her one. But as gullible as you just endured her to get pissed off and it retracted off you to make you give up on her. She’s a total lost cause now. I’m only a personality in her body, so you’ll only know me as her.
The only differences are mannerisms, so if you get a nod when you see her and she walks away without saying as much as a hello, just know that she sees you, but it’s not her. Again, the name is Lost. She wasn’t hard to understand or communicate with she was trying to make things work with everyone, even herself. Right now, she’s screaming in a box, she’s fighting to get out. Sadly, her efforts are only screwing her chances, because she also feels like she’s not been forgiven so along with her screams she hears that she will never be forgiven.
You wanted her to be happy she was happy in the beginning, excited every moment she was given, nervous every minute of her excitement. When she was sad, she hid to fight me, to make her battles worth her wins. Then she finally happy again, finally free from Me. She was able to stand on her feet she was able to see the best of her world, the best of her life, the best thing in the word that she cared most about. She attempted to salvage the damages, she was determined to make it all better, get it to where her happiness was full blown seen. But what she was given in return was denial. She knew it was coming and she told herself every day, “it’s going to be a good day, it’s going to get better I promise.” And then the hole became a gap. That gap became her ocean of unforgiving hell. Which now I put her in. So good luck with trying to get through to her, she can see you. You’re just not going to be talking to her. I will destroy every happy moment and chance she gets as a smile, at a shine, at a chance of feelings to be appreciated. Since she tried her best to get through her darkness to become her best.
She kept all her screams in a book so that she wouldn’t have to release me. That book was her therapy, that book was something that all her anger had years of place had put so that, when you looked at her you see a happy person. Little Bird was the happiest and most compassionate person, you would have known. She put all her pain into a book because that was her only outlet, writing is the only way she was able to get over her pain, only way to get out of her mind. Writing was a gift that was given to her to make her release every form of pain from broken thoughts to painful memories that people couldn’t handle talking about. She took her anger against anyone and put it in the book, she put all her jealousy, her insecurities in that book.
Little Bird, she doesn’t cry in front of people, because she must be strong for herself and all of those who are sad around her, she must be strong enough to hold herself together. She only cries when she’s alone because she knows no one will hear her, no one will break into her heart and pick every piece apart and pick her brain part. She refuses to have her brain picked apart because it’s not something that she let’s people do. She picks her own brain apart and throws and changes parts of her so that she can cope and give what is asked of her both mentally and emotionally. She was asked to be human and all that parts that made her unpretty showed, then she was told to shut it up and get over it. You wanted a happy version of her, she was getting through until, I found all the loopholes to catch her weakest moments. She used to have something to get her through the weeks, months, years, and now she only looks to get through the day. Now she just has insanity to listen to daily.
How does the world work when everything is grasped by you. When you’re near the end of the line, you’re almost there but you’re not completely there yet. How does the world work when you’ve gotten yourself together faster than your mind can comprehend. How does the world work when everything looks as if it’s a normal routine that you do with your eyes close, and then you forget it’s something that you’ve been practicing for years and only appears to be normal to you, and seems like a more confident you to other people. A “New You” that people seem to be more proud of than the “Old You.” What they don’t see is that “You” are still the same person only improved and toughened up through all the struggles.
People ask, “Where have you been?” You replied to them, “Struggling.” They wonder why since all you do is enter a few sentences here and there, or enter a few words here and there it should only take no longer but a day right? No, no it doesn’t it doesn’t take a day for a website or words on a website to be up and running. If it only took a day to put together a website then everyone would be doing it and have money being made non-stop.
It is impossible to meet a person half way? You know if you’re going to have trouble with something and people are offering to help you then take the opportunity and make it work, because you can only do so much for someone to prove it. If you cannot meet me halfway with it then let me know, so I can stop putting effort into it. If you really want something bad enough to become rewarded for your efforts show the gratitude by advancing and improving in yourself.
So people can see that you’re reliable and not make any excuses, since all excuses that you’ve given me has always had some sort of solution. I only asked a few questions, “Can you make it? Are you sure, since this is a commitment for class,” and if you say yes make it happen then. If you say no, then you’ve lost your opportunity for help from one person. We started this as a group, and we all agreed to meet half way for every person to make it easy. But I do not see where you’ve done your part. There’s only so much chances you can give people until they realize it’s over only to have them know that you’ve stood them up for an opportunity that you’ve been asking for, and not returned the thanks for it.
If there’s something that’s stopping you from getting there and there’s no solution. I can understand that, but if there is a solution to every reason that you give, there is no excuse for it at all. Where’s that courage you said that you have? Where’s that confidence you said that you would show, we’ve been though how to have grit to manage and put out all your grit into effort to pass.
That same amount of effort, time, and energy you’ve used to complain about everything is the same amount of time, effort and energy you could have used into pull yourself together. You’re all about being blessed for what is given to you, but you don’t really show that you’re blessed. No, I’m not making assumptions, but tell me at any point of your complaining did you think about the things you could have done better rather than the things you have yet to do, or rather than the things that you have piled up. You keep talking about how you need certain things, but you cannot even decided on what you really want to keep yourself focused where is your self- motivation?
I wish I could just tap out, take a break and breathe. I wish my mind wasn’t something that’s ways killing my spirit, my motivation. If sleep was my best friend right now that’s exactly what I would be doing right now but that’s not the case. You keep a happy face to everyone to make yourself believe that it’s okay you’ll make it. When in reality you want to go on a rampage, to break anything and everything you get your hands on to let you your own anger so you leave it to burn your heart. When you feel like your body is crying in pain, knowing how exhausted you are from lack of sleep to trying to make it to the next paycheck not only to live but to help yourself in the long term. Everyone has a complicated story, no one has it simple. No one has a silver spoon with their name on it nor are their any kind of wooden spoons either.
If you had everything done for you, then you were considered lucky, but at the same time if became more difficult for you in the long term where things would seem to go wrong later on because you didn’t know what you were doing, as far as everything having being done for you. Where did the time go when mental exhaustion has reached its limits, where when wanting to rest was more or a leisure, than a desire to do so. When did feeling like your feet were on fire, ever feel different from having to take breaks for a bit.
Chapter 2 of the short story “Crawl”.