If I was a dream, if I was a wish, if I was a fantasy, the only words that would add up to it wouldn’t be the words that would make me smile it would be the words that would tear me up inside. It would be the worlds that would kill my smiles and pull me into darkness, it would be the words that I’ve always heard all my life. It would just be a repeat of the past, although some say the positive phrase on the way I look, I will always know that its never true.
You can tell me a thousand times about how beautiful I am, but that will never be true in my own eyes. I will always look in the mirror and wished I looked better than I do the same day. I never see the person that everyone sees, I never see that person that everyone loves, I just see the person that I’ve seen in the mirror for the last 19 years of my life.
I close my eyes, and I see a brand new day with sunshine but no hope. I close my eyes I fall through the stars, I close my eyes what light used to be there is always around every now and again. I close my eyes wishing the one person who’s so precious, so awesome, and so lovable in my eyes to be in my arms forever. I close my eyes to another day of colors, to where I could go and make the pictures, make the sounds that never leave my head.
I close my eyes to listen to the silence, I hear the wind from a fan the ticking of a clock, the talking of people in many places, if I was in a open setting of a classroom. I close my eyes and still hear music not from a phone, not from an ipod, and not from any kind of radio, but from people’s hearts. I listen to the crashing of the waves at the beach, I listen to the calling of the birds flying everywhere. I hear the laughter of children playing at the playgrounds, and the music from kids playing in there garages.
I smell the sweet taste of freedom, I smell the catchy feeling of fear, I smell mother nature doing its own work. I could feel fear crawling through my body if there was something wrong, I could feel it giving me chills taking away every ounce of hope in my body that I put up on wall staring me in the face. I watch it fade away as fear takes over my body, I watch it slowly fade into thin air.
I fall to the ground breathless, cold and numb. Its because of fear I lost the fight, its because of fear I had no light, its because of fear seeping through my veins, everything had turn topsy-turvy. One moment I have hope in my hands and angels at my back, and now from the time that fear stepped into my body. I have demons tearing away every inch of hope, and opportunity to get away from them. Locked in a mind control I can’t fight it, I hear the voices, the voices of every person telling me the opposite of what I should hear. Telling me I should go back to doing what I used to do, being the way I used to be.
A heart and a brain were the only two things every person can rely on apart from the sixth sense of instincts. My heart still beats but I can’t move, my heart still beats but I can’t speak, my heart still beats, but what am I to do? If I can’t move my body, if I can’t speak and throw my voice out there. I open my mouth but the words won’t walk out, my voice is silenced, my mind has shut down, and now all I see is pitch black.