What Used to be Has Changed to Now

It’s funny how I looked back at this little girl, she used to be so lively, so innocent, so energetic. She used to think she could do anything in the world, and be anything she wanted to be. She knew back then she had to work for it more than anything in the world if she wanted to be what she dreamed of being. She thought to herself, no matter what this cruel world brings me, I will take it on and conquer the world like it was never made for her.

Everywhere she went, her smile grew every person she was friends with. She was the type of person who knew everyone, but she wasn’t popular, because they word popular never stuck to her. She was a child stuck in a shell, but she learned to slowly crawl out of it as she had friends who stuck with her every time she met new people, but only so few stayed with her. Those who did knew there was something about her that would be remembered, some

But as she grew up it all started to fade away, that energy, that fire that made her glow, that excitement that took her to the goal of motivation. That push that made her throw the biggest smiles even if she looked all jacked up in the face with messed up teeth. She still smiled. She knew that everything would change because she had predicted everything from the time, she lost her innocents, she knew everything would bite her back.

 When she was thought to be everything, she was no where close to. She felt the pressure was tacked on her back since her younger years. Every prediction that she made when she was called every name in the book, doubted constantly and brought down to a tiny ball of nothing. She felt the pains and aches on her, they crawled on her body like she had infinite life energy.

When I saw her jump in the pool, I wanted to help her out when the opportunity was there, but I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t touch her. Because when I did nothing happened. I yelled at people not to walk away from her and help her out, but they didn’t hear me, they didn’t budge a single move, they just kept walking the opposite way like she never existed.

When she pulled herself out of the pool no one came back to help her out, and if they did they only asked if she was okay but never bothered to even get close to really see if she was alright. She laid there next to the pool for a moment, thinking to herself she should have never bothered to lift herself from the pool, but instead swam to the very bottom of the pool and let out that last breath from her mouth as her lungs filled with water to let her rise afloat with her face down.

But she didn’t because when she looked up at the sunlight, she heard a voice that said “Get up, and walk no one in our family is worthless, now get up and walk.” So she laid there for another few seconds then, got up and walked. She walked clothes all soaked and smelling like chlorine, she walked from hot air outside, to the cold air through the locker rooms, and more cold air of the gymnasium, then the extreme heat of the sun and the red colors bricks, and lastly the cold tiles of the high school building the whispers.

Whispers of people saying how she’s stupid and dumb for doing something that seemed to make full sense to her, when her goal was to not let her group get in trouble. But to others that goal seemed to be the most pointless goal on her mind. So when she saw the expressions of people that looked at her as if she was the dumb one, she walked out to the heat, where the red bricks are and sat on wooden chairs at picnic tables.

She felt the sun on her face, she felt her clothes dry as think as they were stick to her stick-like body. She sat there alone like everyone suspected, but she didn’t care, she made the call so that by the time she walked off school campus she was completely dry, and when she made her call she apologized over the phone for having the scent of chlorine while feeling ashamed for it.

I walked the street knowing that I was walking alone, I looked around seeing people walking together. I wondered where you were, because I stood at the bridge that you left me at. I stood at the bridge hoping I was going to get something out of it for trying, but you just threw it back in my face. You expect me to believe that you didn’t mean any of the pain you caused, all the marks that you carved in my skin all the marks that remain even if they’re faded.

Waiting on that bridge was the last thing I ever wanted, waiting in the cold was not that worse thing, having a heart turned ice and waiting in the cold was the worse feeling. You tell me that I’m worth everything, but you only show me the opposite, you tell me I haven’t done anything wrong yet you degrade me to being as low as an object. You expect me to have the drive to want something but it’s be broken and slowly repairing, but one day you’ll realize the day you let me go is the week you’d want me back.

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