Anger,anger, anger: How to deal with anger

Dear Salome, my name is Jess and I have a problem. You see…I have noticed and been told by others that I seems or is very angry lately. How do you think or believe I can change this perception? I mean I do not think or believe I need anger management classes. So how can I…I don’t know… Change the way I or others view myself when it comes to anger?

     Well, first of all my advice would be for you to accept or at least comes to terms with the fact that you may have anger issues. I mean there is a very strong probability that you may be having problems concerning your anger lately. When it is not just others, but yourself who notice too it is time to evaluate if what they are saying is true. Now remember, being angry isn’t a bad thing. The anger is there to protect us and help us fight off threats we perceive as greater as or bigger than ourselves. So if you realize you do have anger issues do not think of yourself as a bad person or even allow others to label you as such. Everyone one way or another have days when they have anger issues it is how you deal with your anger that define if you have a problem or not. Now that we have set the ground work, let’s start shall we? First of all before we learn to control or counter our anger we first needs to find out the root cause or reason why we are so angry. So let’s go through the steps shall we?

  • First find a notebook and a pen

  • Second have a seat and just jot down reasons as to why you made be angry. Try to see what is hurting you or you perceive as injustice being done to you or against you.  Most times anger stem from a fear of perceiving injustice or offense or hurt. So try to figure out where your anger is steaming from. In other words, try to figure out what triggers your anger. 

Once you have figured out where your anger is steaming from, you can then use one of the steps below to help you overcome this issue or at least control it once it comes up again later in the future. So after you have realized why you are angry the next time you are faced with the same situation you sure…

  • Count to ten

  • Set aside your emotions 

  • Listen to what the person is saying then…

  • Try to look at things from not just your own perspective, but from the other person as well. Remember the other person is not or does not realize what they said or did is hurting you or offending you. And if they are doing it on purpose, it is most likely because they themselves feel like you have hurt or offended or done some sort of perceive injustice to them. So try to see where they are coming from. However, this does not mean you forget about your own perspective. Keep in mind both your own perspective and theirs….

  •  Try to come up with a solution that can benefit both of you. Remember not every problem has only two ways of solving it. There is always a third. If you cannot think of one at the moment ask the other person for a bit more time or ask them to talk with you about a third solution or a third way.  Explain to them that though you see it their way and understand what they are saying this is however, how you see it from your perspective as well. And that you are hurt or offended or feel the injustice from what they said or did.  Remember the other person cannot read minds or emotions. If communication is not possible at the moment due to your own emotional state or the other person’s emotional state. Well….

  • Walk away and give it time. Time for you or them to calm down and gain some perspective. Then open up communication again and try talking about a third way to do things that can satisfy both of you. No one wants to be unjust or perceive as unjust, so the other person will listen once clam. Now do not try to take advantage of the other person’s willingness to listen to you or modify their behavior. For instance, try to keep a balance between their wants and needs and your wants and needs. 

This is my best advice to you, Jess, when it comes on the line of anger or dealing with anger issues. Hope it helps and best of luck.

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