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Have a blessed Ramadan! (1)

Please forgive me, please be patient with me, please don’t give up on me just yet. Please forgive me, I don’t mean to be all alone in my head, it’s the only way I know I can fight my own battles. Please don’t give up on me just yet, I don’t mean to subconsciously be alone in my head, because that’s all I know how to deal with my clouded thoughts and anxiety. I don’t talk about it with people because they won’t understand. I keep myself busy because I refuse to have my head running around with anxiety trying to confuse me, trying to bring me down, trying to make me cry, trying to make me panic. I don’t talk to anyone about it because it’s not something that’s easy to say hey I have anxiety, because I don’t need opinions about my faith to God being questioned on what I’m thankful for, or if I really listen to him. I ask for forgiveness in wishing death because that’s the only thing that’s kept me alive besides prayers.

I admit I’ve had my moments where I’ve left scars on myself in the past but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to do it again. I don’t worry to be a perfectionist, I don’t have OCD on certain ways because all those have become routines to me. You tell me it’s all in my head thinking if I keep telling myself I can’t do something that it’s not going to happen. When I force myself to step out of my comfort zone everyday, I hate mornings but I force myself to do it. I hate myself in so many ways that my insecurities break my motivation. I have motivation, it lasts temporarily but it grows. My insecurities are all I hate about myself, similar to what you hate about yourself. We’re opposites but we love what we hate about each other anyway.

I can never say I love myself. Satisfaction is something that I refuse to settle with, because being alone in my own head is already difficult enough, and still climbing up to the level where I know I need to learn to share my head again, is going to be difficult. Since I had told myself I won’t share my head until I have myself built up. I shouldn’t have to explain how it works, because anxiety is something that has to be seen it can’t always be explained. So please forgive me if I seem rattled or confused at times, because I will zone out mentally and not realize it or I will zone out and I will know it but I would constantly blink my eyes to avoid the blur especially in a vehicle that is always the scariest part of driving.

Have you ever suffered through a voice screaming in your head everyday. It screams at you every second of the day from when you open your eyes to when you close your eyes at night. From the time you start to communicate with people until the time you have to communicate with yourself. So please forgive me if I seem so quiet when I used to talk so much, most of my energy was taken to pull myself out of bed. Please forgive me if I’m being a sluggish turtle, I wake up with a voice screaming in my head and a heartbeat to headache moods. So please forgive me if I’m more forward with my personality rather than my emotions, I’ve been told too many times to sugarcoat all my words. Please forgive me if I don’t seem like myself, and if I seem to be someone else because I don’t act like who I usually am. Please forgive me if I snap at you when you seem so shallow.

Call First

 

Dear future children of mine this is an advice from me to you. And that advice is that you should call first before you visit anyone home, even your own family members. Why? You wonder should I call first before going over to another person’s place? Well the reasons are very simple really. And these are the reasons why you should call first before going over to another person’s home.

  1. They might not be home at all. If you do not call first before heading on over you would have wasted your time and gas because the person you were planning to meet was not there. How foolish would you feel then having gone all that miles for nothing? So call first.
  2. They might be sleeping. If you head on over and never told the other person ahead of time when you awake them by knocking or ringing the door bell what kind of a mood do you believe that person would be in? Think about it what kind of a mood would you be in if someone came a knocking and you were sleeping, dreaming? You would be mad would you not? You would be very irritated and no longer wish to see that person.  Do you understand? So call first before heading on over to anyone home.
  3. They might have other guests over. If you head on over to a person home without first calling only to arrive and find out that that person already was entertaining someone else and thus have no time for you how would you feel? You would feel unloved and invisible because the person you came to see is not paying attention to you at all. So again call ahead of time!

These are some of the reasons why you should call ahead of time when visiting another person’s home. It makes life easier for both you and them.