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Have a blessed Ramadan! (1)

Please forgive me, please be patient with me, please don’t give up on me just yet. Please forgive me, I don’t mean to be all alone in my head, it’s the only way I know I can fight my own battles. Please don’t give up on me just yet, I don’t mean to subconsciously be alone in my head, because that’s all I know how to deal with my clouded thoughts and anxiety. I don’t talk about it with people because they won’t understand. I keep myself busy because I refuse to have my head running around with anxiety trying to confuse me, trying to bring me down, trying to make me cry, trying to make me panic. I don’t talk to anyone about it because it’s not something that’s easy to say hey I have anxiety, because I don’t need opinions about my faith to God being questioned on what I’m thankful for, or if I really listen to him. I ask for forgiveness in wishing death because that’s the only thing that’s kept me alive besides prayers.

I admit I’ve had my moments where I’ve left scars on myself in the past but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to do it again. I don’t worry to be a perfectionist, I don’t have OCD on certain ways because all those have become routines to me. You tell me it’s all in my head thinking if I keep telling myself I can’t do something that it’s not going to happen. When I force myself to step out of my comfort zone everyday, I hate mornings but I force myself to do it. I hate myself in so many ways that my insecurities break my motivation. I have motivation, it lasts temporarily but it grows. My insecurities are all I hate about myself, similar to what you hate about yourself. We’re opposites but we love what we hate about each other anyway.

I can never say I love myself. Satisfaction is something that I refuse to settle with, because being alone in my own head is already difficult enough, and still climbing up to the level where I know I need to learn to share my head again, is going to be difficult. Since I had told myself I won’t share my head until I have myself built up. I shouldn’t have to explain how it works, because anxiety is something that has to be seen it can’t always be explained. So please forgive me if I seem rattled or confused at times, because I will zone out mentally and not realize it or I will zone out and I will know it but I would constantly blink my eyes to avoid the blur especially in a vehicle that is always the scariest part of driving.

Have you ever suffered through a voice screaming in your head everyday. It screams at you every second of the day from when you open your eyes to when you close your eyes at night. From the time you start to communicate with people until the time you have to communicate with yourself. So please forgive me if I seem so quiet when I used to talk so much, most of my energy was taken to pull myself out of bed. Please forgive me if I’m being a sluggish turtle, I wake up with a voice screaming in my head and a heartbeat to headache moods. So please forgive me if I’m more forward with my personality rather than my emotions, I’ve been told too many times to sugarcoat all my words. Please forgive me if I don’t seem like myself, and if I seem to be someone else because I don’t act like who I usually am. Please forgive me if I snap at you when you seem so shallow.

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