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Have a blessed Ramadan! (1)

Please forgive me, please be patient with me, please don’t give up on me just yet. Please forgive me, I don’t mean to be all alone in my head, it’s the only way I know I can fight my own battles. Please don’t give up on me just yet, I don’t mean to subconsciously be alone in my head, because that’s all I know how to deal with my clouded thoughts and anxiety. I don’t talk about it with people because they won’t understand. I keep myself busy because I refuse to have my head running around with anxiety trying to confuse me, trying to bring me down, trying to make me cry, trying to make me panic. I don’t talk to anyone about it because it’s not something that’s easy to say hey I have anxiety, because I don’t need opinions about my faith to God being questioned on what I’m thankful for, or if I really listen to him. I ask for forgiveness in wishing death because that’s the only thing that’s kept me alive besides prayers.

I admit I’ve had my moments where I’ve left scars on myself in the past but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to do it again. I don’t worry to be a perfectionist, I don’t have OCD on certain ways because all those have become routines to me. You tell me it’s all in my head thinking if I keep telling myself I can’t do something that it’s not going to happen. When I force myself to step out of my comfort zone everyday, I hate mornings but I force myself to do it. I hate myself in so many ways that my insecurities break my motivation. I have motivation, it lasts temporarily but it grows. My insecurities are all I hate about myself, similar to what you hate about yourself. We’re opposites but we love what we hate about each other anyway.

I can never say I love myself. Satisfaction is something that I refuse to settle with, because being alone in my own head is already difficult enough, and still climbing up to the level where I know I need to learn to share my head again, is going to be difficult. Since I had told myself I won’t share my head until I have myself built up. I shouldn’t have to explain how it works, because anxiety is something that has to be seen it can’t always be explained. So please forgive me if I seem rattled or confused at times, because I will zone out mentally and not realize it or I will zone out and I will know it but I would constantly blink my eyes to avoid the blur especially in a vehicle that is always the scariest part of driving.

Have you ever suffered through a voice screaming in your head everyday. It screams at you every second of the day from when you open your eyes to when you close your eyes at night. From the time you start to communicate with people until the time you have to communicate with yourself. So please forgive me if I seem so quiet when I used to talk so much, most of my energy was taken to pull myself out of bed. Please forgive me if I’m being a sluggish turtle, I wake up with a voice screaming in my head and a heartbeat to headache moods. So please forgive me if I’m more forward with my personality rather than my emotions, I’ve been told too many times to sugarcoat all my words. Please forgive me if I don’t seem like myself, and if I seem to be someone else because I don’t act like who I usually am. Please forgive me if I snap at you when you seem so shallow.

Let Me Pick Your Brain

Let me pick your brain and take you somewhere unimaginable. Let me take you somewhere where you see pictures that will relax you. Let me pick your brain and tell you something surprising, let me pick your brain and let me blow your mind. You’ve lost your way, let me help you find it. Let the rush of the wind take you to another world. Hey you, yes you, the one who’s reading this, you have a goal right? You have a dream you want to come true right? So…What’s stopping you? Loss of inspiration? Loss of motivation? Not sure what to talk about or how to start? What keeps you in your bubble? Don’t be afraid to try something new. Go ahead try something new, do something that scares you the most something that would keep you as a person going to reach your goal. Let me pick your brain and open those path ways that you’ve never seen before.

What do you do, when you’re stuck in a feeling that keeps you at a low point. How do you change it. What do you do when that feeling hits you hard, how do you stop that feeling that hurts you mentally emotionally and physically. That feeling that stops you from wanting to do everything you really want to do but can’t. Do you ever turn out that pain that makes you feel constantly sad but you hold it in so hard eventually you know you’re going to break and when you break down you try not to break down in a public place or you try to break down where no one can see you no one can hear you where your secluded from everybody else your secluded from the world completely.

I Miss You, I Miss Me More

me

I miss you, I really do miss you. I miss that smile across your face, I miss that curve of your smile every time you looked in the mirror. I miss you, I really do, I miss that glow in your eyes that light up your face, to make it brighter light the city lights, and those light are really dang bright. I miss you, I really do. I miss those times you would never stop laughing, those times that you never cared if a joke is bad or not it just sounded funny as it sounded. I miss you, I really do. I miss the way you used to look at yourself in the mirror without caring for those proportions, to make your you have that bone covered up with some meat, or that portion of your skin covered up with some thickness. I miss you, I really do. I miss how you used to wake up and you already knew it was a good day, after a nightmare, a happy dream, or a past experience.

I miss you, I really do. I miss hearing you say you can eat whatever you want, and not regret it at all. I miss you, I really do. I miss seeing you just walk away from arguments that were a waste of your time. I miss you, I really do. I miss seeing you just enjoying moments in time frames. I miss you, I really do. I miss seeing your smile through your laughter. I miss you, really do. I miss hearing the happiness in your voice. I miss you, I really do. I miss the fact you didn’t give up on your dreams. I miss you, I really do. I miss how you never cared about perfection, ever cared about being too skinny, too thick, too muscular.

You just cared about how you were comfortable in your own skin. I miss you, I really do. I miss how you would be able to take the day without having to worry about the stresses that would block your way. I miss you, I really do. I miss your innocent face that changed the world one day at a time. I miss you, really do. I miss your crazy self. I miss you, I really do. So be a better you, than who you were yesterday. I miss you, I really do. That’s you who you were, you were me.

Be Afraid or Not Afraid

fear

You see your pride right now is has gone to far up your a** that you can’t even see how bad you’re making the situation. Swallow your pride and bring your attitude from a ten down to a zero, because although everyone knows that you’ve done the crime, you’re making it so much more obvious by manipulating your signature. Everyone can tell because they know who’s the last person in and how the evidence looked before the crime had taken place and after the crime had taken place. You need to learn to stand up for yourself because the more lies that you make up the more that karma is going to take it’s chance for you to slip up and bite you hard in the back. You’ve taken it too far and you can’t even see it, because no matter what anyone tells you, you will completely ignore it. Everyone is getting irritated with you, and you can’t even control yourself. You’re screwing up your own job, but pretending to have your episodes and hiding things and repeating the same thing, blaming every situation on everything else and not yourself. You’re lack of responsibility is taking a toll on yourself because you can’t even own up to your own mistakes. You’re lack of actions are letting you dig your ditch deeper and deeper, everyone sees it but you. You’re proving yourself you be not only a broken record, but a person who’s taking everything for granted.

You think the friends you’ve gained now are true friends because you work with them and say the same thing every single time. You think that they don’t notice that they know you’re habits when you’re on the clock, you need to rethink your position. If you tell people that you’re being blamed for the wrong thing is because they’re telling the truth. If you think they’re wrong for saying what is being said to you, you need to learn from the crime that you’ve committed because if you never do the same thing will happen to you. You won’t know what to do, you told someone else that your own friend is being too much to a point that you feel like you can’t do anything, but you still continue to go to them for help like they don’t even know what’s going on, and when they tell you that they can’t help you and tell you to stand up for yourself like you really think you know what you’re doing especially after you’ve already irritated the people in higher positions. Good luck with the situation when it gets worse because if you don’t come out now it will catch up to you. When they find out it’s you who committed the crime, good luck on the next thing that you’ll be working for. The trust that you’ve build is broken from everyone, all your situations go downhill because of your lack of responsibility to take you action on making it better.

You’re already on the line to make it or break it but since you had already started to break your good record of being a good person. It’s not going to make your case any better. I mean come on it’s 2018 already for crying out loud! If your resolution was to see how much havoc you can cause congratulations on starting beginning that resolution because in the end of it all when it’s all said and done it’s going to be you, who’s out the door. Swallow your pride and take your attitude of control down from a ten to a zero, in the beginning when you started you had credibility to work well with everyone, but when you began to screw yourself up, you attempted to drag everyone else down with you and everyone is refusing to be around you. In the beginning people didn’t have a problem with you, but when you began to screw yourself up, everyone distanced themselves from you. From one argument because people refused to let you take control of the way they wanted to handle a situation you reacted by caving in and messing yourself up. You’ve messed up the situation by themselves and when they have a story that is asked of them they will tell their own story and all of them will point to you doing wrong by committing the crime that you’ve committed.

It’s 2018, and this is supposed to be the year that you’ve seen yourself getting better, but instead you’ve completely started the year by breaking yourself to pieces. So congratulations, let the hunger games of your evil begin. Because I will make sure that 2018 is my year and it will become mine without you and your dramatic a**. No one will need or want you around when they can see someone else being a better person. Be bold, be humble, be stylish, and be smart, this is the year where we swallow our pride and use it to benefit nobody else but ourselves. Any drama that was in 2017 will stay there, because it’s time to make our dreams come true, you can continue chasing a dream that and keep dreaming for years, but how you approach any situation to reach your goals both old and new will depend on your reaction.

When you’re hanging on by prayers and fight everyday like it’s a battle look at both sides of a situation to make it better. You say one thing but do something else and say it’s okay because it’s you, but when someone else does that same thing you complain about not only one thing, but everything little detail that gets on your nerves and irritates you. Your irritation is the lack of change, you don’t like something then do something about it to make it better, because for better or worse it’s your damn life. Whether someone else screws your life, it’s your choice to let is continue to let it keep f**king you over or not. Let your home be your canvas for decisions and let the world be your battleground. Fortune and fame aren’t the opening doors to happiness that’s just the mirage to see how all the gold shines in the light and on people.

Nothing comes for free if you’re not willing to work at it. It’s not a silver spoon, platter or plate given to you. You can dream, but don’t dream forever if you’re not going to work for it. Get your head out of your ass, get your life together, because your head is stuck up your a** so damn far thinking that you got it all because you have someone close to you working in the same place. Well, sweetheart it will never work that way, nothing will be given to you like that, because if it was done everyone would be rich already there would be no such thing as the lottery and pawn shops to sell things.

Take Yourself Back

self

How do you do it? How do you stay calm when so many people have done you wrong? Think about it, you yourself aren’t a saint either. How you do the dirt you do, and ask how do you do it when someone else has done the same? A reaction is to an action right? So how do you stay so calm, when people yell at you? You don’t say anything at all until they’re done. How do you not retaliate back when the first thing you want to do to is just that. You don’t, let them have it they way, we always say karma is a bitch, so let them have their way and karma will come back to them. When you’re the person who reacts differently than what the other person expects, they don’t know what their next move is because they’re stuck. It’s like getting a checkmate in chess your opponent is stuck and has no more strategies left to work from to turn the tables.

Life is like a bowl of Cheerios, who the hell cares? Only you do, you, will care about yourself before someone else begins to care about you. You will love yourself before someone else loves you. If your confidence and character intimidates people, it’s because they don’t know what good is hidden under being unbroken. Some reality TV shows will tell you that if you’re in a situation and you feel like someone’s doing you wrong or you’re doing them wrong, don’t make an argument out of it because then that’s what causes them to deny it, let them do it peacefully. Then it will show in the light just like karma always does. If one day their deed comes to light and you see it, don’t show them you’re upset about it, because you know you’re already the fool, but don’t show the world you’re that fool. Show the world that you’re that confidence, unintimidated smile, that personality that changes the way people think about you and don’t forget to wear your heart on your sleeve.

But the most important think is take yourself back. Remember that confidence, that unintimidated smiles, that personality that changes the way people think about you and that heart on your sleeve that you need to wear. That’s you, that was you before they walked in and that will be you again when they walk out on you. That will be you when they ghost on you and that will continue to be you when they see you again. Whether you like it or not they will come back, doesn’t matter if it’s just to be there, if it’s to want you back, but they will come back, and you’re going to tell them no. No you won’t go back to relive that same situation, no, you won’t let you’re guard down for someone who’s from your past unless they are willing to make amends with you to ask for forgiveness.

How do you do it? How do you stay calm when so many people have done you wrong? Kill them with kindness, be the bigger person, and tell yourself it’s okay, I will get mind and karma will give them there’s. Remember karma is always there, and if they see you doing better than them, then you keep going no matter what because your progress will truly display to them if they really need you or not. Words are just words, actions are only actions, so if their reaction to your action is surprised and different from what they would really expect you to do. Then congratulations you’ve accomplish smoothing over your pain and turning it to a progress of positive vibes.

Once you let them know that you let their negative spirit under your skin then you’ve shown they and everyone else that you’re the other person, you’re the fool and you made yourself look more like a fool. So don’t do any of that be positive that’s all you can be, and truly be the most confident person you can be. Be a damn warrior and take yourself back forget everything else with the upset moods and all do that for a day and start working on you. Take whoever you are back, you never know they may come for you again and when you say no to them because they’ve proven to do the same thing again let them go and don’t take them back because you will not allow yourself to go through another path of unhappiness, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Take you back.

We Wear A Mask

 

mask

We wear a mask, a mask that can only us for the day as we realize our true self is not to he visible to people. We wear a mask to hide our emotions from the general public to disappear from the criticism that is instilled upon us. We wear a mask that other’s fear, but we see no changes in personalities. The mask that we wear earns all the love from people, but none of that same love is shown to our true self. If we were to reveal our true-selves away from the mask all that love that was earned would quickly die away. We wear a mask that would fulfill the pleasure in the eyes of the judges but none of those pleasures are to please the eye of the beholder. We mask we wear is a new mask every old mask takes the day of cracks and wreckage of war pulled to screw us over. No each mask keeps us from falling off the bridge we seek to reach but truly reach it with pure true self. We wear a mask to shelter our pain, to keep our judging mouths to a minimum. We wear a mask to stop killing joke that never sounds funny. We wear a mask to hide our kindness to protest our weakness but mistaken it for spite instead of strength. We wear a mask until it becomes part of us, a mask that never really reveal the darkest secret and the scarcity of our lives.

We wear a mask to ride the killing joke, to follow the world’s broken trends. We wear a mask to lose ourselves in what we do. A mask to forget who we truly are. We wear a mask to pull ourselves out of the graves that’s been buried six feet under our hate and wretchedness. We wear a mask that throws our a fishing line to hide our anger from the next victim to pass on what we’ve been given although the next victim never deserves it. We wear a mask that pulls a man’s heart out of the depths of darkness, as a woman whose purified and broken descends from the heaven. “Did it hurt when you fell from the sky?” Ask the man from the darkness, no the woman says. “But it does hurt when you touch me at all, you’re words or unkind and whatever poison ales you must be released to be full hearted again. You’re mask is already broken and your emotions are dripping through similar to blood.” You attempt to take the old mask off but it refuses. It sinks into your skin, it remains apart of you, so a new mask you put on, and another mask and another mask and another final mask is put on. But still no sense of the true self-given any love.

Every crack, every stain, every bruise and whole give to these masks are the results of war. Every time wasted and effort blown up to the nothingness, was thrown back into the hole that plunge six feet under. We wear a mask to ride the perfect storm of a broken societal prophecy that’s been given to us.

We masked our faces for the given templates we continue to anger and hate what is uncontrollable, but what can still be controlled continues to be hated and angered towards us. Throw a few needles it lights a fire in a haystack. Skip a few rocks and trip into the river, have a few good shots and land behind a dumpster. We wear masks to hide our emotions, to hide are broken feelings. We wear masks to hide our defenses from those who think they seem to know us. We wear a mask, a mask that can only us for the day as we realize our true self is not to he visible to people.