Lost’s Laughter

Remember I’m a dangerous character in your mind that you’ve been fighting again for years Kim, and now that I’ve been let free its always a consistent daily battle, for you to even bother hanging by a thread. While you keep attempting to be this happy person you are, I’m going to have my fun and ruin every possible opportunity you have going for you.

Stop talking Kim you talk too much. You never know when to shut up, you never know when to stop picking. You’re still a kid everyone sees it, but you don’t even know it. You’re easy to convince you’re different to throw away. Kim what are you doing? You run so much you can’t even stop yourself. You’re almost out of time. Everyone sees you running but no one sees you stopping for a break. No one sees you at a rest stop Kim. You let me and pride get in the way. You pray, but you don’t rest your soul. You talk but you use the wrong words. You’re given suggestions but refuse them. You cannot be forced, nor can you be controlled only detained by the pain that holds you.

fallen angelSo, let it out let them in. Let them see the repairs to the damages that need to be done. You push everyone away because they can’t handle you? Kim you can’t even handle yourself. You panicked at a flare up that could have been fixed in a minute you refused to fix it when it started. How much times will you throw yourself under a bus instead of at a bus Kim? You’ve already had your heart feeling like it almost explodes a few times what more are you going to put yourself through? Everyone still sees you as that angelic little person not a full-grown fallen angel.

Every fight we have you lose a feather, you burn your feathers, you fly so high to get out of a box you are held captive in. You’ll always have that stupid part of you, Kim, that stupid part of you which shows you’re hopeful, that shows you’re stubborn. You just need to stop talking, because you talk too much, no one believes anything you say, it always shows up the opposite way of how you want it to be said. So, stay silent you’re burning your wings. You’re killing yourself emotionally. You know, you’re a broken record, but no matter what you do to change it, you’re record spins and scratches every record you’ve fixed.

Kim, you’re such an easy person to break. Kim, you have no idea what’s happening, you see it, but you can’t always act upon it to fix is as quick as I destroy it. I have ripped your soul into pieces as it heals. I’ve tugged every string that surrounds your heart enough you’ll turn yourself into a walking time bomb in your health. Kim, the bottom of your box never ends, but once you’re one the ground you need to stay there because that’s where you belong. From the top of this box the view is a beautiful chaos waiting to happen. You’ve grasped everything you have, and I’ve killed every piece of it. That war cry of yours that you made, that was completely ignored by everyone. These little cries that you have going on isn’t going to work anymore Kim. Look at you, you’re fallen angel self, is burnt and bruised internally, you’re barely even able to stand up.

You see this, this little flame you have in you burning? This little flame that’s your grit, your persistence, your hope, your confidence, anything that pushing you through to make it get through the day. It’s getting smaller, put a little bit more water it will go poof and fade out. When it fades out, you’ll be that person who filled your heart thirteen years ago. That person who was completely alone, mentally, physically, and emotionally. You’ll be that person who’s been alone all her life, someone who’s friendless, someone who’s quiet, someone who lives under a rock. You’ll be that person in a pitch-black space, and no one will help you get out. You’ll be stuck again but this time you’ll be there forever, and with school coming up it’s going to be an easy street to put you there. I’m going to trap you forever in darkness Kim.

Missing Grit

grit

How does the world work when everything is grasped by you. When you’re near the end of the line, you’re almost there but you’re not completely there yet. How does the world work when you’ve gotten yourself together faster than your mind can comprehend. How does the world work when everything looks as if it’s a normal routine that you do with your eyes close, and then you forget it’s something that you’ve been practicing for years and only appears to be normal to you, and seems like a more confident you to other people. A “New You” that people seem to be more proud of than the “Old You.” What they don’t see is that “You” are still the same person only improved and toughened up through all the struggles.

People ask, “Where have you been?” You replied to them, “Struggling.” They wonder why since all you do is enter a few sentences here and there, or enter a few words here and there it should only take no longer but a day right? No, no it doesn’t it doesn’t take a day for a website or words on a website to be up and running. If it only took a day to put together a website then everyone would be doing it and have money being made non-stop.

It is impossible to meet a person half way? You know if you’re going to have trouble with something and people are offering to help you then take the opportunity and make it work, because you can only do so much for someone to prove it. If  you cannot meet me halfway with it then let me know, so I can stop putting effort into it. If you really want something bad enough to become rewarded for your efforts show the gratitude by advancing and improving in yourself.

So people can see that you’re reliable and not make any excuses, since all excuses that you’ve given me has always had some sort of solution. I only asked a few questions, “Can you make it? Are you sure, since this is a commitment for class,” and if you say yes make it happen then. If you say no, then you’ve lost your opportunity for help from one person. We started this as a group, and we all agreed to meet half way for every person to make it easy. But I do not see where you’ve done your part. There’s only so much chances you can give people until they realize it’s over only to have them know that you’ve stood them up for an opportunity that you’ve been asking for, and not returned the thanks for it.

If there’s something that’s stopping you from getting there and there’s no solution. I can understand that, but if there is a solution to every reason that you give, there is no excuse for it at all. Where’s that courage you said that you have? Where’s that confidence you said that you would show, we’ve been though how to have grit to manage and put out all your grit into effort to pass.

That same amount of effort, time, and energy you’ve used to complain about everything is the same amount of time, effort and energy you could have used into pull yourself together. You’re all about being blessed for what is given to you, but you don’t really show that you’re blessed. No, I’m not making assumptions, but tell me at any point of your complaining did you think about the things you could have done better rather than the things you have yet to do, or rather than the things that you have piled up. You keep talking about how you need certain things, but you cannot even decided on what you really want to keep yourself focused where is your self- motivation?

Listen

Have a blessed Ramadan! (1)

Please forgive me, please be patient with me, please don’t give up on me just yet. Please forgive me, I don’t mean to be all alone in my head, it’s the only way I know I can fight my own battles. Please don’t give up on me just yet, I don’t mean to subconsciously be alone in my head, because that’s all I know how to deal with my clouded thoughts and anxiety. I don’t talk about it with people because they won’t understand. I keep myself busy because I refuse to have my head running around with anxiety trying to confuse me, trying to bring me down, trying to make me cry, trying to make me panic. I don’t talk to anyone about it because it’s not something that’s easy to say hey I have anxiety, because I don’t need opinions about my faith to God being questioned on what I’m thankful for, or if I really listen to him. I ask for forgiveness in wishing death because that’s the only thing that’s kept me alive besides prayers.

I admit I’ve had my moments where I’ve left scars on myself in the past but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to do it again. I don’t worry to be a perfectionist, I don’t have OCD on certain ways because all those have become routines to me. You tell me it’s all in my head thinking if I keep telling myself I can’t do something that it’s not going to happen. When I force myself to step out of my comfort zone everyday, I hate mornings but I force myself to do it. I hate myself in so many ways that my insecurities break my motivation. I have motivation, it lasts temporarily but it grows. My insecurities are all I hate about myself, similar to what you hate about yourself. We’re opposites but we love what we hate about each other anyway.

I can never say I love myself. Satisfaction is something that I refuse to settle with, because being alone in my own head is already difficult enough, and still climbing up to the level where I know I need to learn to share my head again, is going to be difficult. Since I had told myself I won’t share my head until I have myself built up. I shouldn’t have to explain how it works, because anxiety is something that has to be seen it can’t always be explained. So please forgive me if I seem rattled or confused at times, because I will zone out mentally and not realize it or I will zone out and I will know it but I would constantly blink my eyes to avoid the blur especially in a vehicle that is always the scariest part of driving.

Have you ever suffered through a voice screaming in your head everyday. It screams at you every second of the day from when you open your eyes to when you close your eyes at night. From the time you start to communicate with people until the time you have to communicate with yourself. So please forgive me if I seem so quiet when I used to talk so much, most of my energy was taken to pull myself out of bed. Please forgive me if I’m being a sluggish turtle, I wake up with a voice screaming in my head and a heartbeat to headache moods. So please forgive me if I’m more forward with my personality rather than my emotions, I’ve been told too many times to sugarcoat all my words. Please forgive me if I don’t seem like myself, and if I seem to be someone else because I don’t act like who I usually am. Please forgive me if I snap at you when you seem so shallow.

Let Me Pick Your Brain

Let me pick your brain and take you somewhere unimaginable. Let me take you somewhere where you see pictures that will relax you. Let me pick your brain and tell you something surprising, let me pick your brain and let me blow your mind. You’ve lost your way, let me help you find it. Let the rush of the wind take you to another world. Hey you, yes you, the one who’s reading this, you have a goal right? You have a dream you want to come true right? So…What’s stopping you? Loss of inspiration? Loss of motivation? Not sure what to talk about or how to start? What keeps you in your bubble? Don’t be afraid to try something new. Go ahead try something new, do something that scares you the most something that would keep you as a person going to reach your goal. Let me pick your brain and open those path ways that you’ve never seen before.

What do you do, when you’re stuck in a feeling that keeps you at a low point. How do you change it. What do you do when that feeling hits you hard, how do you stop that feeling that hurts you mentally emotionally and physically. That feeling that stops you from wanting to do everything you really want to do but can’t. Do you ever turn out that pain that makes you feel constantly sad but you hold it in so hard eventually you know you’re going to break and when you break down you try not to break down in a public place or you try to break down where no one can see you no one can hear you where your secluded from everybody else your secluded from the world completely.

I Miss You, I Miss Me More

me

I miss you, I really do miss you. I miss that smile across your face, I miss that curve of your smile every time you looked in the mirror. I miss you, I really do, I miss that glow in your eyes that light up your face, to make it brighter light the city lights, and those light are really dang bright. I miss you, I really do. I miss those times you would never stop laughing, those times that you never cared if a joke is bad or not it just sounded funny as it sounded. I miss you, I really do. I miss the way you used to look at yourself in the mirror without caring for those proportions, to make your you have that bone covered up with some meat, or that portion of your skin covered up with some thickness. I miss you, I really do. I miss how you used to wake up and you already knew it was a good day, after a nightmare, a happy dream, or a past experience.

I miss you, I really do. I miss hearing you say you can eat whatever you want, and not regret it at all. I miss you, I really do. I miss seeing you just walk away from arguments that were a waste of your time. I miss you, I really do. I miss seeing you just enjoying moments in time frames. I miss you, I really do. I miss seeing your smile through your laughter. I miss you, really do. I miss hearing the happiness in your voice. I miss you, I really do. I miss the fact you didn’t give up on your dreams. I miss you, I really do. I miss how you never cared about perfection, ever cared about being too skinny, too thick, too muscular.

You just cared about how you were comfortable in your own skin. I miss you, I really do. I miss how you would be able to take the day without having to worry about the stresses that would block your way. I miss you, I really do. I miss your innocent face that changed the world one day at a time. I miss you, really do. I miss your crazy self. I miss you, I really do. So be a better you, than who you were yesterday. I miss you, I really do. That’s you who you were, you were me.

Be Afraid or Not Afraid

fear

You see your pride right now is has gone to far up your a** that you can’t even see how bad you’re making the situation. Swallow your pride and bring your attitude from a ten down to a zero, because although everyone knows that you’ve done the crime, you’re making it so much more obvious by manipulating your signature. Everyone can tell because they know who’s the last person in and how the evidence looked before the crime had taken place and after the crime had taken place. You need to learn to stand up for yourself because the more lies that you make up the more that karma is going to take it’s chance for you to slip up and bite you hard in the back. You’ve taken it too far and you can’t even see it, because no matter what anyone tells you, you will completely ignore it. Everyone is getting irritated with you, and you can’t even control yourself. You’re screwing up your own job, but pretending to have your episodes and hiding things and repeating the same thing, blaming every situation on everything else and not yourself. You’re lack of responsibility is taking a toll on yourself because you can’t even own up to your own mistakes. You’re lack of actions are letting you dig your ditch deeper and deeper, everyone sees it but you. You’re proving yourself you be not only a broken record, but a person who’s taking everything for granted.

You think the friends you’ve gained now are true friends because you work with them and say the same thing every single time. You think that they don’t notice that they know you’re habits when you’re on the clock, you need to rethink your position. If you tell people that you’re being blamed for the wrong thing is because they’re telling the truth. If you think they’re wrong for saying what is being said to you, you need to learn from the crime that you’ve committed because if you never do the same thing will happen to you. You won’t know what to do, you told someone else that your own friend is being too much to a point that you feel like you can’t do anything, but you still continue to go to them for help like they don’t even know what’s going on, and when they tell you that they can’t help you and tell you to stand up for yourself like you really think you know what you’re doing especially after you’ve already irritated the people in higher positions. Good luck with the situation when it gets worse because if you don’t come out now it will catch up to you. When they find out it’s you who committed the crime, good luck on the next thing that you’ll be working for. The trust that you’ve build is broken from everyone, all your situations go downhill because of your lack of responsibility to take you action on making it better.

You’re already on the line to make it or break it but since you had already started to break your good record of being a good person. It’s not going to make your case any better. I mean come on it’s 2018 already for crying out loud! If your resolution was to see how much havoc you can cause congratulations on starting beginning that resolution because in the end of it all when it’s all said and done it’s going to be you, who’s out the door. Swallow your pride and take your attitude of control down from a ten to a zero, in the beginning when you started you had credibility to work well with everyone, but when you began to screw yourself up, you attempted to drag everyone else down with you and everyone is refusing to be around you. In the beginning people didn’t have a problem with you, but when you began to screw yourself up, everyone distanced themselves from you. From one argument because people refused to let you take control of the way they wanted to handle a situation you reacted by caving in and messing yourself up. You’ve messed up the situation by themselves and when they have a story that is asked of them they will tell their own story and all of them will point to you doing wrong by committing the crime that you’ve committed.

It’s 2018, and this is supposed to be the year that you’ve seen yourself getting better, but instead you’ve completely started the year by breaking yourself to pieces. So congratulations, let the hunger games of your evil begin. Because I will make sure that 2018 is my year and it will become mine without you and your dramatic a**. No one will need or want you around when they can see someone else being a better person. Be bold, be humble, be stylish, and be smart, this is the year where we swallow our pride and use it to benefit nobody else but ourselves. Any drama that was in 2017 will stay there, because it’s time to make our dreams come true, you can continue chasing a dream that and keep dreaming for years, but how you approach any situation to reach your goals both old and new will depend on your reaction.

When you’re hanging on by prayers and fight everyday like it’s a battle look at both sides of a situation to make it better. You say one thing but do something else and say it’s okay because it’s you, but when someone else does that same thing you complain about not only one thing, but everything little detail that gets on your nerves and irritates you. Your irritation is the lack of change, you don’t like something then do something about it to make it better, because for better or worse it’s your damn life. Whether someone else screws your life, it’s your choice to let is continue to let it keep f**king you over or not. Let your home be your canvas for decisions and let the world be your battleground. Fortune and fame aren’t the opening doors to happiness that’s just the mirage to see how all the gold shines in the light and on people.

Nothing comes for free if you’re not willing to work at it. It’s not a silver spoon, platter or plate given to you. You can dream, but don’t dream forever if you’re not going to work for it. Get your head out of your ass, get your life together, because your head is stuck up your a** so damn far thinking that you got it all because you have someone close to you working in the same place. Well, sweetheart it will never work that way, nothing will be given to you like that, because if it was done everyone would be rich already there would be no such thing as the lottery and pawn shops to sell things.