I had many dreams, but out of all of them I picked one. Knowing that I’ll never have a dream come true, until the day I found you. You inspire me from the heart, I kept that dream going as much as I could with you on my side. But when I heard that you were gone, I felt so dead in my heart. As if I was lost in a forest, When you left it was slowly killing me.

Because now I’m back to where I started, really knowing that none of my dreams will be true, now that my heart is broken to pieces that I doubt it will ever be mended back together. Soon a lifetime chance, will come and go. To get that chance for my dreams to come true, I would have to grab that chance, seize every moment from start to beginning, then I’d dedicate it to those who had supported me from the first day until the last.

You Can’t Always Get What You want

Feeling loss of hope and trust, feeling loss of  faith and belief. Who shall I trust if I have no one to turn to. who shall i look up to if i don’t have the hope to push me forward to keep me moving and proving those to need to be proven wrong. Sometimes i wish i never met you sometimes i’m glad i met you, sometimes i wish i was never born. If people want me dead let them try to kill me i don’t care anymore, let them attempt to kill me when they have no chance to.

Let them try to make me fall when I’m already looking up high, as broken as I am where do I look to if I can’t even trust you. I’m lost and I need to be found, I know what I want but do you really know what you want? Do you know what your looking for in life or am I just talking as if I don’t need to be alive anymore. My life is slowly dying but I’m trying to work things out with you but do you try to do the same. When I ask what’s wrong you tell me nothing when I do know something is wrong, you never want to tell me anything anymore.

What am I doing wrong to make you be this way, am I just so invisible that you think I can’t see what’s really going on? I already feel like I’ve lost you, when in my mind I know I haven’t but in your mind I have already been replaced. You promised me something and now your trying to go behind my back to do what you want? Then what the hell am I standing around waiting for you for? I’m losing my mind to figure it out, what the hell am I doing to be with you. If you don’t know me now then I shouldn’t even be around if you’re going behind my back to do all this.

What’s the point of me trying to talk to you if you won’t even open up to me. If you don’t see it now you’re never going to see it. You made your promise and you’re slowly breaking it. I’m tired of drama I’m tired of having to fight for something I can’t have, I’m tired of being pushed away when I’m trying to get close to you. When I break down I know either way I’m going to have to let you go one way or another and if I can’t then have to make myself let you go. You’re happiness with me is dying but you just cover up all your sadness like I can’t even see it.

What I wished was invented

I wished that…

  1. a portable umbrella that had AC and Heater was invented. Why? So that when it is cool outside while I am walking I could turn on my umbrella heater and keep warm as I move from place to place. So that when it is very hot outside I could turn my umbrella AC and keep cool underneath the sun hot rays. This is what I wish could be invented. 
umbrella-pole-patio-heater-1.jpg (1000×688)
Something like this but smaller.

Muddy Waters

People don’t see it, people don’t hear it, people won’t know it. They do not know that the most forgiving person is the person who’s the most hurt. People say all wounds heal with time. However not every wound stays as a scar, some stay as open wounds, as permanent sores. There’s always a mask made to cover up scars, a mask used to cover up years of pain, a mask that has been used to cover up everything. It has been made to last for as long as it’s needed. Sometimes masks are made within masks. When one mask is in used, another mask is being made. The second mask to transforms into the wall to hold as much pain back as possible. But then another mask is built underneath the second mask. Masks within masks. The third mask will form the personality, that personality covers the person’s fragility to their soul.

Theses dark clouds float follow everywhere I go, when there’s a flash light to grab, it’s taken away the instant the light is one step away. Every time, I open my eyes, and see the sun shining, I always pray that it would be a good day, but when the dark clouds begin to rumble as they follow my steps, the curve to my smile turns upside down. I reach for the light, but I’m giving a sting by the touch of loneliness. I reach for the light, I’m given a burn from the words of depressions sermons and negativity. The words burn into my skin scars, of every phrase, “disappear, disappear, you’re nothing to anyone, you’re worth is meaningless, disappear, disappear.”

I reach for the highest star, a scratch from a thunder, again the words resound around me and in my ears, “disappear, disappear, you’re nothing to anyone, you’re worth is meaningless.” “Stay in the shadows by the old oak tree, sit underneath the tree, and watch the leaves turn black, watch them singe into ashes,” says the voices, “keep the words you are nothing burned on to your body, but you’re worthiness to anyone is false and irrelevant to life,” says the voices, the words sting and ingrain itself into my body, into my head, into my mind. The scars are invincible to others, but I see them, whether I’m fully sleeved or not the words still burn through the clothes, and brand my skin.

“What if you just disappeared? You know, no one would care, no one would noticed. People say they will know, they will figure it out, they would see it on the spot? Have they noticed? Do they see it?” Asks anxiety, keep the questions coming, “break that supporting wall, it needs to be broken, the worthiness of this body must stay fragile and closed of to anyone.”
Depression orders the pain to grow, orders anger to simmer “let this body be alone, let this body simmer and bottle up all the anger and issues together, let it mixed and turn the heart black.” Fear takes its chance to consume the body to forcefully push everyone away. Memories play its videos of memories both good and bad it uplifts the mind and body, then drags it down to despair. “Break down the happiness make it lower than the life should be, suck out the energy from this body, for it deserves nothing, nothing at all!!”

The heart knows the mind, is angry, it knows, the body has a take over from depression, anxiety, and fear all building up and teaming up on the fragile little body. It’s forced to pump the blood harder, it pumps the heart so fast the body ends up with the vibrations of its heart beat building faster and faster and faster, giving it less time for the body to breathe. The heart pumps so much, it makes it difficult for the body to gain air, take a single deep breath, and shake the body awaken it and don’t let it sleep.
Drive every fiber of this body into over drive to lose every bit of energy in wanting sleep.
It breaks it bounds, awakens the body, pumps heart from the heart until it reaches the head from having so much blood and less air. It kept its frequent heartbeats at a constant beats, then it slowly alternated with the same constant beat on every even count, the heart gradually relaxed and stood against, depression, anxiety and fear, “I’m not going to kill this body, it doesn’t deserve the punishment.” “Fine, you won’t have to we can take it from hear, we only have to triple our efforts and you’ll be forcefully pulled in without any consent to it. This heart will turn black and blue and we’re going to keep it that way.”

Depression and anxiety took over still continuing with the negative words, and dark clouds. Depression continues to repeat, “You know, you’re really not worth anything to people. You’re not worth their time, or trust. It’s fun to see you like this, lost, curled up, and imagining the world without you as if you even mattered to people.” Anxiety continues, “You’re so weak you can’t even recognize yourself when you look in the mirror, all you see is someone who you should look like.” Fear takes the last hit, “It’s too bad no one can see how shattered you are, and these masks that you’ve build won’t help you at all.”

The mind speaks out, “This is madness, stop it, stop it, stop it.” They begin to argue over the body’s weakness and well-being. “The body deserves to live and taken as much happiness as it can get give a future to what it needs, not be taken down in despairs and pain. It needs something to believe in, not something to give up on.” “It does have something to believe in its weakness, as it laughs this is what it needs, to purge its pain and disappear off the face of the earth. Then when it comes down to the body will know well enough not to repeat the same mistake, because the it knows it will not be put in this position again.” “Then why the black and blue color turning of the heart?” asks the mind, “To murder everything that body has to offer to be judged and depreciated, then it will be lonely and only have us to bow down to and live with for the rest of its life.”

Low gas prices and what it means

So I was driving though town and I noticed the low low price of gas at every gas station, it was beautiful, but then I started thinking. What happens when the pendulum swings the other way? I mean right now we are living the life- well some of us. A lot of people who works in the oil industry are not doing so hot. A lot of layoffs are happening and what not. – so what happens when gas prices starts to go up -because well…. it will go up- what then? Am I prepared? Is any body prepared? And the answer I came to the conclusion was….no! No body -that I know of including myself- is prepared. We are enjoying this chance and jumping for joy but we are not actually taking the time to use this to our advantage.
Then I started thinking some more, because that’s how I roll, and I begun to realized that this would be a great opportunity to start saving even more. See with lower gas prices I and a bunch of other people can now afford a lot of things that we didn’t before. Things such as healthy foods, fashionable clothes and fancy electronics we do not really need but want. Which is great. Fancy new toys are great. But I also realized it also means that I can save up a whole lot more too. With that extra pocket change I can now increased my saving from what it is right now to something more. I can also use this opportunity to start buying stock on the market and maybe set aside money to buy a hybrid car or something. I mean at these low prices I can afford to do a lot of things. We can all afford to do a lot of things we did not have the chance to do such as saving more or something.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that having these low low gas prices is great and all but is anyone using this opportunity? If so tell me how. 

Up or down

The mind is a very fragile thing. It runs around and gathers up those thoughts from the past and present. It gathers up those memories both good and bad. Sometimes you’ll look back and think what if it could have been? Then you tell yourself you wouldn’t be where you are if you didn’t make that memory or regret. People say cheer up, be happy, you made it this far. You doubt yourself, you know there’s something missing but it’s from you not anyone else.
Your doubts are the very little things that hold you back. Those doubts are the doubts that keep you off the ground but put a limit on you, when in reality you have no limit. You brush your doubts away and think of happy memories and thoughts, but still your  doubts seems to slide in and take over like you’re forgetting to do something. They take over and suddenly it’s all changed, that happy person you used to be is gone.
Every detail of doubts surface and clouds away all the positive thoughts. Each thought replaced with some kind of paranoia. Each thought as some hold to tell you it won’t matter, there’s no difference, people will just see it and walk pass it like it doesn’t even exist. If they do happen to notice it they still won’t care because it’s not them in that position and they will tell themselves, “I’m glad that’s never going to be me.” Those people who say they’re glad they aren’t in a doubtful state of mind and often forget they were in that state of mind before reaching their success.

New Month Resolution: September

So, you know how most people have a new years resolution? Well, I have a new month resolution or rather I have decided to have a new month resolution every month starting from now on. I mean why should I wait till the end of the year to do a resolution? So what is my resolution for the month of September?  Well….

  1. Schedule- I have decided for this month to keep an schedule for this blog and keep at it. I am learning self management in my business classes so this would be a great opportunity to learn to manage myself.
  2. Fashion and clothes- I am going to do some fashion and clothes related posts on this blog. It is going to be maybe something that happens in a once in a blue moon sort of thing but I would like to try my hands at it. It might be fun. I like dressing up and I like dressing people up. I also like blogging. So….why not combined my likes?
  3. Gym- This is something personal but I want to go to my university gym -which I sort of stop going to during the summer because I just never when in that general direction- at least twice a week. It is free for me as a student to used the gym, I should used it while I stay have there chance. 
  4. Food and cooking- I will try to cook more often and um…try to eat more healthier. Less junk food even if I do make it my self and more healthier and whole foods. I am not getting any younger and those things cause me problems later on down the road.
  5. School- I will try to finish all of my university related work before doing this blog. In other words I will try to finish most of my homework and quizzes days, maybe even weeks, ahead of the due date. Just so I can have plenty of time to do this. 
  6. Bed Schedule- I will try to  go to bed on time and wake up on time so I am not late for any of my classes. 

Well that’s it. any more and I am afraid I might not be able to reach my goals. Thanks for reading. Until next time.