High Spirits and Low Pains

spirit

Drown yourself, that’s what they say, you have nothing to live for. Drown yourself, that’s what they say, you have nothing left to keep up with. Drown yourself, that’s what they say, no one wants anything to do with you. Drown yourself, that’s what they say, there’s nothing that will change people’s minds to see you as a good person. Drown yourself, that’s what they say, happiness isn’t what you need since you’re a lost cause. Drown yourself, that’s what they say, you have nothing and you are nothing. Drown yourself that’s what they say because there is noting in your life to be worth living for. Drown yourself, that’s what they say, you mean nothing to them. Drown yourself, that’s what they say, nothing will ever go right for you. Drown yourself, your not a thrill for people as a person anymore. Drown yourself, that’s what they said, you’re both meaningless and hopeless. Drown yourself, that’s what those voices say, but yet I’m still here looking at myself wondering why am I bothered with at all?

Fall apart, that’s what they want, they don’t know your strength or weakness. they don’t know that you do belong some where, they don’t see the love that’s wrapped around you, the love that’s brought you so far from the dark areas of your life. Fall apart, that’s what they want to see, down goes all of your happiness, down goes all of your smiles, down goes all of the hard work that you’ve done to accomplish in everything you’ve fought for. Fall apart, that’s what they want, up goes all the pain that you’ve gained. Built up stronger all the pain and anger that you have growing on you. Build it high, all the pain inside, that fiery hate you have starting to light red. Burn all the good things that you’ve ever known, burn all the memories that’s brought you to a good place. Burn it all, that’s what they want, that’s what all the voices say.

They don’t know you, they think they do. They don’t want to see you successful, they don’t want to see you be happy, they don’t want  to see you be a better person. They want you to fall, fall apart and drown yourself, they want to you break down to pieces and not be able to come back strong.

How long?

How long have I known you?
Old friend
Drifting together in the ocean that is life
How long have I loved you?
With passions like the winds
At times light and gentle
At times fast and furious
How long have you know me?
Five years?
Ten years?
All my life?
How long have you loved me?
With a steadfast love like the earth
At times strong and steady
At times weak, soft, breakable
How long?
I tend to forget
All days mashed together
How long?

 

Endless Road

What do you want to be when you grow up? 
A doctor?
A lawyer?
A business person?
Sitting in a office
Drinking coffee
Windowless rooms
Empty smiles
What do you want to be when you grow up?
An actor?
A chef?
A firefighter?
Saving lives
Serving your country 
Nameless
Faceless
Fading away 
What do you want to be when you grow up?
A teacher?
A astronaut?
A mayor?
Voting rights 
Too many choices
Not enough time 
Endless road 

Muddy Waters

People don’t see it, people don’t hear it, people won’t know it. They do not know that the most forgiving person is the person who’s the most hurt. People say all wounds heal with time. However not every wound stays as a scar, some stay as open wounds, as permanent sores. There’s always a mask made to cover up scars, a mask used to cover up years of pain, a mask that has been used to cover up everything. It has been made to last for as long as it’s needed. Sometimes masks are made within masks. When one mask is in used, another mask is being made. The second mask to transforms into the wall to hold as much pain back as possible. But then another mask is built underneath the second mask. Masks within masks. The third mask will form the personality, that personality covers the person’s fragility to their soul.

Theses dark clouds float follow everywhere I go, when there’s a flash light to grab, it’s taken away the instant the light is one step away. Every time, I open my eyes, and see the sun shining, I always pray that it would be a good day, but when the dark clouds begin to rumble as they follow my steps, the curve to my smile turns upside down. I reach for the light, but I’m giving a sting by the touch of loneliness. I reach for the light, I’m given a burn from the words of depressions sermons and negativity. The words burn into my skin scars, of every phrase, “disappear, disappear, you’re nothing to anyone, you’re worth is meaningless, disappear, disappear.”

I reach for the highest star, a scratch from a thunder, again the words resound around me and in my ears, “disappear, disappear, you’re nothing to anyone, you’re worth is meaningless.” “Stay in the shadows by the old oak tree, sit underneath the tree, and watch the leaves turn black, watch them singe into ashes,” says the voices, “keep the words you are nothing burned on to your body, but you’re worthiness to anyone is false and irrelevant to life,” says the voices, the words sting and ingrain itself into my body, into my head, into my mind. The scars are invincible to others, but I see them, whether I’m fully sleeved or not the words still burn through the clothes, and brand my skin.

“What if you just disappeared? You know, no one would care, no one would noticed. People say they will know, they will figure it out, they would see it on the spot? Have they noticed? Do they see it?” Asks anxiety, keep the questions coming, “break that supporting wall, it needs to be broken, the worthiness of this body must stay fragile and closed of to anyone.”
Depression orders the pain to grow, orders anger to simmer “let this body be alone, let this body simmer and bottle up all the anger and issues together, let it mixed and turn the heart black.” Fear takes its chance to consume the body to forcefully push everyone away. Memories play its videos of memories both good and bad it uplifts the mind and body, then drags it down to despair. “Break down the happiness make it lower than the life should be, suck out the energy from this body, for it deserves nothing, nothing at all!!”

The heart knows the mind, is angry, it knows, the body has a take over from depression, anxiety, and fear all building up and teaming up on the fragile little body. It’s forced to pump the blood harder, it pumps the heart so fast the body ends up with the vibrations of its heart beat building faster and faster and faster, giving it less time for the body to breathe. The heart pumps so much, it makes it difficult for the body to gain air, take a single deep breath, and shake the body awaken it and don’t let it sleep.
Drive every fiber of this body into over drive to lose every bit of energy in wanting sleep.
It breaks it bounds, awakens the body, pumps heart from the heart until it reaches the head from having so much blood and less air. It kept its frequent heartbeats at a constant beats, then it slowly alternated with the same constant beat on every even count, the heart gradually relaxed and stood against, depression, anxiety and fear, “I’m not going to kill this body, it doesn’t deserve the punishment.” “Fine, you won’t have to we can take it from hear, we only have to triple our efforts and you’ll be forcefully pulled in without any consent to it. This heart will turn black and blue and we’re going to keep it that way.”

Depression and anxiety took over still continuing with the negative words, and dark clouds. Depression continues to repeat, “You know, you’re really not worth anything to people. You’re not worth their time, or trust. It’s fun to see you like this, lost, curled up, and imagining the world without you as if you even mattered to people.” Anxiety continues, “You’re so weak you can’t even recognize yourself when you look in the mirror, all you see is someone who you should look like.” Fear takes the last hit, “It’s too bad no one can see how shattered you are, and these masks that you’ve build won’t help you at all.”

The mind speaks out, “This is madness, stop it, stop it, stop it.” They begin to argue over the body’s weakness and well-being. “The body deserves to live and taken as much happiness as it can get give a future to what it needs, not be taken down in despairs and pain. It needs something to believe in, not something to give up on.” “It does have something to believe in its weakness, as it laughs this is what it needs, to purge its pain and disappear off the face of the earth. Then when it comes down to the body will know well enough not to repeat the same mistake, because the it knows it will not be put in this position again.” “Then why the black and blue color turning of the heart?” asks the mind, “To murder everything that body has to offer to be judged and depreciated, then it will be lonely and only have us to bow down to and live with for the rest of its life.”