Listen

Have a blessed Ramadan! (1)

Please forgive me, please be patient with me, please don’t give up on me just yet. Please forgive me, I don’t mean to be all alone in my head, it’s the only way I know I can fight my own battles. Please don’t give up on me just yet, I don’t mean to subconsciously be alone in my head, because that’s all I know how to deal with my clouded thoughts and anxiety. I don’t talk about it with people because they won’t understand. I keep myself busy because I refuse to have my head running around with anxiety trying to confuse me, trying to bring me down, trying to make me cry, trying to make me panic. I don’t talk to anyone about it because it’s not something that’s easy to say hey I have anxiety, because I don’t need opinions about my faith to God being questioned on what I’m thankful for, or if I really listen to him. I ask for forgiveness in wishing death because that’s the only thing that’s kept me alive besides prayers.

I admit I’ve had my moments where I’ve left scars on myself in the past but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to do it again. I don’t worry to be a perfectionist, I don’t have OCD on certain ways because all those have become routines to me. You tell me it’s all in my head thinking if I keep telling myself I can’t do something that it’s not going to happen. When I force myself to step out of my comfort zone everyday, I hate mornings but I force myself to do it. I hate myself in so many ways that my insecurities break my motivation. I have motivation, it lasts temporarily but it grows. My insecurities are all I hate about myself, similar to what you hate about yourself. We’re opposites but we love what we hate about each other anyway.

I can never say I love myself. Satisfaction is something that I refuse to settle with, because being alone in my own head is already difficult enough, and still climbing up to the level where I know I need to learn to share my head again, is going to be difficult. Since I had told myself I won’t share my head until I have myself built up. I shouldn’t have to explain how it works, because anxiety is something that has to be seen it can’t always be explained. So please forgive me if I seem rattled or confused at times, because I will zone out mentally and not realize it or I will zone out and I will know it but I would constantly blink my eyes to avoid the blur especially in a vehicle that is always the scariest part of driving.

Have you ever suffered through a voice screaming in your head everyday. It screams at you every second of the day from when you open your eyes to when you close your eyes at night. From the time you start to communicate with people until the time you have to communicate with yourself. So please forgive me if I seem so quiet when I used to talk so much, most of my energy was taken to pull myself out of bed. Please forgive me if I’m being a sluggish turtle, I wake up with a voice screaming in my head and a heartbeat to headache moods. So please forgive me if I’m more forward with my personality rather than my emotions, I’ve been told too many times to sugarcoat all my words. Please forgive me if I don’t seem like myself, and if I seem to be someone else because I don’t act like who I usually am. Please forgive me if I snap at you when you seem so shallow.

Take Yourself Back

self

How do you do it? How do you stay calm when so many people have done you wrong? Think about it, you yourself aren’t a saint either. How you do the dirt you do, and ask how do you do it when someone else has done the same? A reaction is to an action right? So how do you stay so calm, when people yell at you? You don’t say anything at all until they’re done. How do you not retaliate back when the first thing you want to do to is just that. You don’t, let them have it they way, we always say karma is a bitch, so let them have their way and karma will come back to them. When you’re the person who reacts differently than what the other person expects, they don’t know what their next move is because they’re stuck. It’s like getting a checkmate in chess your opponent is stuck and has no more strategies left to work from to turn the tables.

Life is like a bowl of Cheerios, who the hell cares? Only you do, you, will care about yourself before someone else begins to care about you. You will love yourself before someone else loves you. If your confidence and character intimidates people, it’s because they don’t know what good is hidden under being unbroken. Some reality TV shows will tell you that if you’re in a situation and you feel like someone’s doing you wrong or you’re doing them wrong, don’t make an argument out of it because then that’s what causes them to deny it, let them do it peacefully. Then it will show in the light just like karma always does. If one day their deed comes to light and you see it, don’t show them you’re upset about it, because you know you’re already the fool, but don’t show the world you’re that fool. Show the world that you’re that confidence, unintimidated smile, that personality that changes the way people think about you and don’t forget to wear your heart on your sleeve.

But the most important think is take yourself back. Remember that confidence, that unintimidated smiles, that personality that changes the way people think about you and that heart on your sleeve that you need to wear. That’s you, that was you before they walked in and that will be you again when they walk out on you. That will be you when they ghost on you and that will continue to be you when they see you again. Whether you like it or not they will come back, doesn’t matter if it’s just to be there, if it’s to want you back, but they will come back, and you’re going to tell them no. No you won’t go back to relive that same situation, no, you won’t let you’re guard down for someone who’s from your past unless they are willing to make amends with you to ask for forgiveness.

How do you do it? How do you stay calm when so many people have done you wrong? Kill them with kindness, be the bigger person, and tell yourself it’s okay, I will get mind and karma will give them there’s. Remember karma is always there, and if they see you doing better than them, then you keep going no matter what because your progress will truly display to them if they really need you or not. Words are just words, actions are only actions, so if their reaction to your action is surprised and different from what they would really expect you to do. Then congratulations you’ve accomplish smoothing over your pain and turning it to a progress of positive vibes.

Once you let them know that you let their negative spirit under your skin then you’ve shown they and everyone else that you’re the other person, you’re the fool and you made yourself look more like a fool. So don’t do any of that be positive that’s all you can be, and truly be the most confident person you can be. Be a damn warrior and take yourself back forget everything else with the upset moods and all do that for a day and start working on you. Take whoever you are back, you never know they may come for you again and when you say no to them because they’ve proven to do the same thing again let them go and don’t take them back because you will not allow yourself to go through another path of unhappiness, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Take you back.

You Can’t Always Get What You want

Feeling loss of hope and trust, feeling loss of  faith and belief. Who shall I trust if I have no one to turn to. who shall i look up to if i don’t have the hope to push me forward to keep me moving and proving those to need to be proven wrong. Sometimes i wish i never met you sometimes i’m glad i met you, sometimes i wish i was never born. If people want me dead let them try to kill me i don’t care anymore, let them attempt to kill me when they have no chance to.

Let them try to make me fall when I’m already looking up high, as broken as I am where do I look to if I can’t even trust you. I’m lost and I need to be found, I know what I want but do you really know what you want? Do you know what your looking for in life or am I just talking as if I don’t need to be alive anymore. My life is slowly dying but I’m trying to work things out with you but do you try to do the same. When I ask what’s wrong you tell me nothing when I do know something is wrong, you never want to tell me anything anymore.

What am I doing wrong to make you be this way, am I just so invisible that you think I can’t see what’s really going on? I already feel like I’ve lost you, when in my mind I know I haven’t but in your mind I have already been replaced. You promised me something and now your trying to go behind my back to do what you want? Then what the hell am I standing around waiting for you for? I’m losing my mind to figure it out, what the hell am I doing to be with you. If you don’t know me now then I shouldn’t even be around if you’re going behind my back to do all this.

What’s the point of me trying to talk to you if you won’t even open up to me. If you don’t see it now you’re never going to see it. You made your promise and you’re slowly breaking it. I’m tired of drama I’m tired of having to fight for something I can’t have, I’m tired of being pushed away when I’m trying to get close to you. When I break down I know either way I’m going to have to let you go one way or another and if I can’t then have to make myself let you go. You’re happiness with me is dying but you just cover up all your sadness like I can’t even see it.