They Don’t Believe You Little Bird

souls

Little Bird people think you’re only depressed, they don’t believe you at all. Such humans are easy to trick, idiots, no one is going to check on you. Those few people who are checking on you are the only friends you got? People you don’t communicate with are better off not knowing what’s going on. They’re always going to be better off without you. You’re nothing so enjoy that insanity you have going on. All that banging, screaming and fighting you’re doing to stay out completely isn’t going to help you very much.

You’re honestly lucky I’m even letting you out at all. Especially because you’re so weak, undeserving, and useless. People don’t even realize that I’m not only your depression, I’m your anxiety, I’m your stress, I’m your worries, I’m that feeling that’s continuing to kill you each day, each second, each hour, each minute. People only see the Little Bird, but they don’t even know who they’re really talking do, since I let you switch places with me back and forth. Silly people, this is the only way for you to silently disappear from people’s lives, but you already know that. Soon you’ll be put away again until school starts, and each semester is going to repeat.

This is more hilarious people read your imprisonment but still don’t understand it, they still don’t see that you’re trapped, and I’ve taken over. They don’t know why images where changed because you never change any of your pictures, not even if it was for a difficult situation. You might as well disappear no one’s going to understand it at all. No one sees your cries anymore, no one see you trying to reach for an opportunity to break out. They just ask to see if you can flip a switch and say, “I’m honestly happy.” At least I can lie about everything, and all your stuck with doing is watching it happen.

Why people even bothered with you, I see why. It was only your kindness that took them by the hand anything else you showed turned them away. You don’t even know what’s going on with yourself as an individual. Even though you’re mentally strong your heart is only bent not broken, but you don’t need to know that. You’re empty now you say? Huh? That was too easy what do you have planned in your plots? It’s okay you don’t need to lie I can see it in your face your too weak either way.

They can’t see a damn thing, even if they read between the lines, they only see you talking about pain, not about the fact that you’re not you anymore. So stupid, you feel guilty because they feel guilty, but can’t even tell their guilt is their own and yours is just being human. You weren’t even given the allowed to be human, so you’ve been treated as if you’re a robot. You have a shitty support system of friends, even if you’re slightly opening your feelings you know you still must hide it anyway. Because being strong for everyone is all you can be when you’re weak and bent.

People say the all you post are sad things, when honestly, you’re trying to show and tell them you’re confident and happy, but they’ll never know that because you showed it through your actions but not a single person acknowledged it. Everyone saying a therapist is good for you because they think you’re batshit crazy, they think it’s going to help you but, it will make you worse. You’ll be the look down from everyone.

They think you’re expressing your feelings when I’m exposing myself and revealing myself, as, Lost to the world. They don’t even notice they don’t believe anything you say or do. You’re seen as a sad little person in the world. Those friends who say they love you they don’t. Those friends who supposedly “seem to be grateful and appreciative” of you aren’t revealing the truth. You have a heart of gold and it does talk, the one person who held it couldn’t even see that it was talking to him and turned in it away completely. Everyone who saw your heart on your sleeve will always crack and break it, no one will hold it as close and safe as you once held a heart.

People only see your imprisonment as emotional pain and depression, they can’t even tell your bleeding and screaming they can’t even tell you were fighting as hard as you can to be the person you needed to be. The person you wanted people to really see as a better version of you because they only saw you being “sad”, being “depressed”. You have no use of showing a heart anymore, your life is just going to be a robot, your feelings are gone with you in that box. Your time to be out is up time for the lock up.

You take a deep breath every time to make sure you’ve gotten through the day and your still intact as a person so not one person sees you busted. You had an unknown flare up you panicked, you not even thinking let someone throw some lavender oil on you think it would reduce the blood red color on your hands and calm down but became worse even with washing it off with water. Your skin was exposed white lined and dried out. When you rubbed on lotion you still panicked, you stressed out, you almost broke and begged to go home. Your hand swelled up bad but still you continued to work because your goal was to stay, and not lose money. You said no voice for a few days so when I moved in it was easy to silence you right from the start.

Everyone says they can’t help you, because you need to help yourself and when you did, they still told you the same thing. When you told people, it was your fault for the cause of the break in your relationship they still thought you didn’t understand when you already told them you knew it was your fault. They continued to hold it over your head while discussing it and you already knew it. Every mistake is held over your head because no one will hold it back, you’re still not going to be forgiven for being the cause of your own relationship.

You’ll never be forgiven for anything. They say, “they’re grateful,” they only say that because they don’t want to talk to you. Every person you know doesn’t want anything to do with you at all. So, you might as well disappear and stay in this box, because you’re unwanted, unforgiven, undeserving, your useless, you’re a waste. No one wants you at all. No matter what you show, no one still see or appreciate it at all because you’re a waste of time and energy. When you pour your heart out all you got was denial, and that’s how you will live in denial and screams of the past. Everyone only sees you posting dark things, still thinking your sad, your depressed, they don’t believe you at all. They don’t believe anything you’ve said in the past or anything you said now.

Little Bird’s Imprisonment

caged bird

Hey Little Bird, did you find the loophole? Did you find the one thing that made slip and fall? No? Well Little Bird it’s time to stay in your cage. You’ve caged me for years not wanting to show the world who had you strong in your lonesome years. Now you’ll see the effect of why you should have made your amends. Your work isn’t done you say? Welp, that’s too damn bad little bird time to lock you up the same amount of time you locked me up little bird. She gave up living her best because she was broken-hearted, she tried to be a better person.

When I found out she didn’t have anyone I saw an opportunity to tear her up even more because she was already not giving up. And her hopefulness was her weakness things could ever comeback. So, she fought be when she to save herself and she won the first battle now she was not only weak, but she was able to have hole show in her heart. I fought her to keep her down. She fought hard she fought with courage and wisdom. She fought her hardest fight ever. But she didn’t win her battles to me.

2 people

My name is Lost. She tried to warn you all that she just needed to focus on things to make her better. But you kept telling her she needed to cry she needed sadness when really, she didn’t need all of that. You helped her become weaker so I, Lost could control her. Congratulations and thanks for your help, Little Bird is now trapped in a box listening to the screams of what she didn’t do what she should have done what she came too late to be. Those moments you didn’t forgive her, those moments she tried her damned hardest to talk and didn’t know how she was trying to break out and tell you all she was sorry and desperate for the change she should have done.

She tried to live up your levels in her life to be better. But you gave up on her too easily thinking she’s never going to be better. And just when she was you denied her the time to show it to you. She was ready, and she was willing to put up a damn good fight for it, but you still denied her. So, thank you for helping me trap her in the same box that I was trapped in for years. Although you’ll never be able to tell who you’re talking over the phone or on text because you’ll never figure it out. It’s sad how you all thought she wasn’t in a good place when she reassured that she knew what she had to do, even if it was something, she had to do on her one. But as gullible as you just endured her to get pissed off and it retracted off you to make you give up on her. She’s a total lost cause now. I’m only a personality in her body, so you’ll only know me as her.

The only differences are mannerisms, so if you get a nod when you see her and she walks away without saying as much as a hello, just know that she sees you, but it’s not her. Again, the name is Lost. She wasn’t hard to understand or communicate with she was trying to make things work with everyone, even herself. Right now, she’s screaming in a box, she’s fighting to get out. Sadly, her efforts are only screwing her chances, because she also feels like she’s not been forgiven so along with her screams she hears that she will never be forgiven.

You wanted her to be happy she was happy in the beginning, excited every moment she was given, nervous every minute of her excitement. When she was sad, she hid to fight me, to make her battles worth her wins. Then she finally happy again, finally free from Me. She was able to stand on her feet she was able to see the best of her world, the best of her life, the best thing in the word that she cared most about. She attempted to salvage the damages, she was determined to make it all better, get it to where her happiness was full blown seen. But what she was given in return was denial. She knew it was coming and she told herself every day, “it’s going to be a good day, it’s going to get better I promise.” And then the hole became a gap. That gap became her ocean of unforgiving hell. Which now I put her in. So good luck with trying to get through to her, she can see you. You’re just not going to be talking to her. I will destroy every happy moment and chance she gets as a smile, at a shine, at a chance of feelings to be appreciated. Since she tried her best to get through her darkness to become her best.

She kept all her screams in a book so that she wouldn’t have to release me. That book was her therapy, that book was something that all her anger had years of place had put so that, when you looked at her you see a happy person. Little Bird was the happiest and most compassionate person, you would have known. She put all her pain into a book because that was her only outlet, writing is the only way she was able to get over her pain, only way to get out of her mind. Writing was a gift that was given to her to make her release every form of pain from broken thoughts to painful memories that people couldn’t handle talking about. She took her anger against anyone and put it in the book, she put all her jealousy, her insecurities in that book.

Little Bird, she doesn’t cry in front of people, because she must be strong for herself and all of those who are sad around her, she must be strong enough to hold herself together. She only cries when she’s alone because she knows no one will hear her, no one will break into her heart and pick every piece apart and pick her brain part. She refuses to have her brain picked apart because it’s not something that she let’s people do. She picks her own brain apart and throws and changes parts of her so that she can cope and give what is asked of her both mentally and emotionally. She was asked to be human and all that parts that made her unpretty showed, then she was told to shut it up and get over it. You wanted a happy version of her, she was getting through until, I found all the loopholes to catch her weakest moments. She used to have something to get her through the weeks, months, years, and now she only looks to get through the day. Now she just has insanity to listen to daily.

Listen

Have a blessed Ramadan! (1)

Please forgive me, please be patient with me, please don’t give up on me just yet. Please forgive me, I don’t mean to be all alone in my head, it’s the only way I know I can fight my own battles. Please don’t give up on me just yet, I don’t mean to subconsciously be alone in my head, because that’s all I know how to deal with my clouded thoughts and anxiety. I don’t talk about it with people because they won’t understand. I keep myself busy because I refuse to have my head running around with anxiety trying to confuse me, trying to bring me down, trying to make me cry, trying to make me panic. I don’t talk to anyone about it because it’s not something that’s easy to say hey I have anxiety, because I don’t need opinions about my faith to God being questioned on what I’m thankful for, or if I really listen to him. I ask for forgiveness in wishing death because that’s the only thing that’s kept me alive besides prayers.

I admit I’ve had my moments where I’ve left scars on myself in the past but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to do it again. I don’t worry to be a perfectionist, I don’t have OCD on certain ways because all those have become routines to me. You tell me it’s all in my head thinking if I keep telling myself I can’t do something that it’s not going to happen. When I force myself to step out of my comfort zone everyday, I hate mornings but I force myself to do it. I hate myself in so many ways that my insecurities break my motivation. I have motivation, it lasts temporarily but it grows. My insecurities are all I hate about myself, similar to what you hate about yourself. We’re opposites but we love what we hate about each other anyway.

I can never say I love myself. Satisfaction is something that I refuse to settle with, because being alone in my own head is already difficult enough, and still climbing up to the level where I know I need to learn to share my head again, is going to be difficult. Since I had told myself I won’t share my head until I have myself built up. I shouldn’t have to explain how it works, because anxiety is something that has to be seen it can’t always be explained. So please forgive me if I seem rattled or confused at times, because I will zone out mentally and not realize it or I will zone out and I will know it but I would constantly blink my eyes to avoid the blur especially in a vehicle that is always the scariest part of driving.

Have you ever suffered through a voice screaming in your head everyday. It screams at you every second of the day from when you open your eyes to when you close your eyes at night. From the time you start to communicate with people until the time you have to communicate with yourself. So please forgive me if I seem so quiet when I used to talk so much, most of my energy was taken to pull myself out of bed. Please forgive me if I’m being a sluggish turtle, I wake up with a voice screaming in my head and a heartbeat to headache moods. So please forgive me if I’m more forward with my personality rather than my emotions, I’ve been told too many times to sugarcoat all my words. Please forgive me if I don’t seem like myself, and if I seem to be someone else because I don’t act like who I usually am. Please forgive me if I snap at you when you seem so shallow.

Take Yourself Back

self

How do you do it? How do you stay calm when so many people have done you wrong? Think about it, you yourself aren’t a saint either. How you do the dirt you do, and ask how do you do it when someone else has done the same? A reaction is to an action right? So how do you stay so calm, when people yell at you? You don’t say anything at all until they’re done. How do you not retaliate back when the first thing you want to do to is just that. You don’t, let them have it they way, we always say karma is a bitch, so let them have their way and karma will come back to them. When you’re the person who reacts differently than what the other person expects, they don’t know what their next move is because they’re stuck. It’s like getting a checkmate in chess your opponent is stuck and has no more strategies left to work from to turn the tables.

Life is like a bowl of Cheerios, who the hell cares? Only you do, you, will care about yourself before someone else begins to care about you. You will love yourself before someone else loves you. If your confidence and character intimidates people, it’s because they don’t know what good is hidden under being unbroken. Some reality TV shows will tell you that if you’re in a situation and you feel like someone’s doing you wrong or you’re doing them wrong, don’t make an argument out of it because then that’s what causes them to deny it, let them do it peacefully. Then it will show in the light just like karma always does. If one day their deed comes to light and you see it, don’t show them you’re upset about it, because you know you’re already the fool, but don’t show the world you’re that fool. Show the world that you’re that confidence, unintimidated smile, that personality that changes the way people think about you and don’t forget to wear your heart on your sleeve.

But the most important think is take yourself back. Remember that confidence, that unintimidated smiles, that personality that changes the way people think about you and that heart on your sleeve that you need to wear. That’s you, that was you before they walked in and that will be you again when they walk out on you. That will be you when they ghost on you and that will continue to be you when they see you again. Whether you like it or not they will come back, doesn’t matter if it’s just to be there, if it’s to want you back, but they will come back, and you’re going to tell them no. No you won’t go back to relive that same situation, no, you won’t let you’re guard down for someone who’s from your past unless they are willing to make amends with you to ask for forgiveness.

How do you do it? How do you stay calm when so many people have done you wrong? Kill them with kindness, be the bigger person, and tell yourself it’s okay, I will get mind and karma will give them there’s. Remember karma is always there, and if they see you doing better than them, then you keep going no matter what because your progress will truly display to them if they really need you or not. Words are just words, actions are only actions, so if their reaction to your action is surprised and different from what they would really expect you to do. Then congratulations you’ve accomplish smoothing over your pain and turning it to a progress of positive vibes.

Once you let them know that you let their negative spirit under your skin then you’ve shown they and everyone else that you’re the other person, you’re the fool and you made yourself look more like a fool. So don’t do any of that be positive that’s all you can be, and truly be the most confident person you can be. Be a damn warrior and take yourself back forget everything else with the upset moods and all do that for a day and start working on you. Take whoever you are back, you never know they may come for you again and when you say no to them because they’ve proven to do the same thing again let them go and don’t take them back because you will not allow yourself to go through another path of unhappiness, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Take you back.

You Can’t Always Get What You want

Feeling loss of hope and trust, feeling loss of  faith and belief. Who shall I trust if I have no one to turn to. who shall i look up to if i don’t have the hope to push me forward to keep me moving and proving those to need to be proven wrong. Sometimes i wish i never met you sometimes i’m glad i met you, sometimes i wish i was never born. If people want me dead let them try to kill me i don’t care anymore, let them attempt to kill me when they have no chance to.

Let them try to make me fall when I’m already looking up high, as broken as I am where do I look to if I can’t even trust you. I’m lost and I need to be found, I know what I want but do you really know what you want? Do you know what your looking for in life or am I just talking as if I don’t need to be alive anymore. My life is slowly dying but I’m trying to work things out with you but do you try to do the same. When I ask what’s wrong you tell me nothing when I do know something is wrong, you never want to tell me anything anymore.

What am I doing wrong to make you be this way, am I just so invisible that you think I can’t see what’s really going on? I already feel like I’ve lost you, when in my mind I know I haven’t but in your mind I have already been replaced. You promised me something and now your trying to go behind my back to do what you want? Then what the hell am I standing around waiting for you for? I’m losing my mind to figure it out, what the hell am I doing to be with you. If you don’t know me now then I shouldn’t even be around if you’re going behind my back to do all this.

What’s the point of me trying to talk to you if you won’t even open up to me. If you don’t see it now you’re never going to see it. You made your promise and you’re slowly breaking it. I’m tired of drama I’m tired of having to fight for something I can’t have, I’m tired of being pushed away when I’m trying to get close to you. When I break down I know either way I’m going to have to let you go one way or another and if I can’t then have to make myself let you go. You’re happiness with me is dying but you just cover up all your sadness like I can’t even see it.